They were the worst years of my life, watching myself become a person I did not want to be. Filling up with anger, resentment, fear, guilt, confusion. Knowing to my core that something had to change. Frustrated by my own inability to implement change. I spiraled into depression… or perhaps not, – another diagnosis – adhd… or perhaps not, – another diagnosis – a personality disorder. Therapists, self-help books, healthy habits, meditation, tai chi, new friends who were also on a path to healing…. I tried everything, I fought hard and still I spiraled further down. Over time those around me grew tired, frustrated and lost their love in a mess of screaming demands for help and affection. And I broke.
I awoke, determined to fix myself and get better, to work hard and continue my battle. That is, until that winter afternoon, when, surrounded by friends raising glasses in a crowded little bar, I looked up and caught your eye. The way you looked at me changed everything. There was no fear or guilt, no suppressed anger or hurt, no worry or pity, no pride or compassion in your eyes. Yours was the look of a passenger staring out a car window at a passing scenery that pleased him. A look that said: I see you, I see what is happening and it is as it should be.
The way you looked at me, it gave me an intense feeling of peace. It made me realize how much my loved ones had come to see me as something broken that needed fixing. And it showed me how I had come to see myself through their eyes. It helped me understand that I was creating my own suffering by continuing to fight so hard and hide so much. It gave me the courage to step out and show myself unapologetically to the world. And it made me realize that there must be something more to this confused, lost, hurt little pile of disaster that was me. If not a broken mess, what did you see?
In the quiet moments, my mind would often wander to your look and I would try to see myself through your eyes, eager to know what put that feint contented smile on your face. And then, on a day like all others, I suddenly saw myself as I had never seen before. I saw not a victim, but a survivor. I felt no guilt or shame, but pride and courage. I saw not the chaos of destruction, but the chaos of birth. I saw someone lovable. Through your eyes I saw my future self coming into being, a self both simple and beautiful, perfect in all her imperfections, a self who had learned to love herself. And the moment I saw her, she existed and I truly understood what I needed to be to be well. I saw myself, I understood what was happening and I knew it was as it should be.
I am still on the path to healing. There are still many days of intense darkness and I am discovering how difficult it is to stop a battle that has lasted so long and caused so much suffering to so many. But even on these darkest days, I am now able to catch a glimpse of myself through your eyes and feel a spark of hope. I am slowly learning to stop fighting and simply be. And when I do that, all is well.
So thank you, my friend, for seeing me. I hope to repay you one day by learning to see people the way you do.
I awoke, determined to fix myself and get better, to work hard and continue my battle. That is, until that winter afternoon, when, surrounded by friends raising glasses in a crowded little bar, I looked up and caught your eye. The way you looked at me changed everything. There was no fear or guilt, no suppressed anger or hurt, no worry or pity, no pride or compassion in your eyes. Yours was the look of a passenger staring out a car window at a passing scenery that pleased him. A look that said: I see you, I see what is happening and it is as it should be.
The way you looked at me, it gave me an intense feeling of peace. It made me realize how much my loved ones had come to see me as something broken that needed fixing. And it showed me how I had come to see myself through their eyes. It helped me understand that I was creating my own suffering by continuing to fight so hard and hide so much. It gave me the courage to step out and show myself unapologetically to the world. And it made me realize that there must be something more to this confused, lost, hurt little pile of disaster that was me. If not a broken mess, what did you see?
In the quiet moments, my mind would often wander to your look and I would try to see myself through your eyes, eager to know what put that feint contented smile on your face. And then, on a day like all others, I suddenly saw myself as I had never seen before. I saw not a victim, but a survivor. I felt no guilt or shame, but pride and courage. I saw not the chaos of destruction, but the chaos of birth. I saw someone lovable. Through your eyes I saw my future self coming into being, a self both simple and beautiful, perfect in all her imperfections, a self who had learned to love herself. And the moment I saw her, she existed and I truly understood what I needed to be to be well. I saw myself, I understood what was happening and I knew it was as it should be.
I am still on the path to healing. There are still many days of intense darkness and I am discovering how difficult it is to stop a battle that has lasted so long and caused so much suffering to so many. But even on these darkest days, I am now able to catch a glimpse of myself through your eyes and feel a spark of hope. I am slowly learning to stop fighting and simply be. And when I do that, all is well.
So thank you, my friend, for seeing me. I hope to repay you one day by learning to see people the way you do.